Those of you who read my blog probably know that Blake and I want another baby. I want another baby desperately. As if the feelings of wanting another baby, but instead finding your cycle month after month were not bad enough, I also have feelings of guilt that I should be so selfish. I know there are couples out there that do not have even one child. God blessed us with Peyton - who I am convinced more so day after day - was made by God just for me (well, us technically...).
The guilt is a story for another time. Today I want to talk about learning lessons.
Blake and I have not used birth control since we got married four years ago on August 9 this year. By October 2008 (two months after nuptials...) we found out we were pregnant with Peyton. When Peyton was six months old, we found out we were expecting again. Haylie Robin was born August 18, 2009. Haylie is with Jesus now...yet another story for another time... Since Haylie I have had one very early miscarriage. My point is that by all reasoning I should be PREGNANT! Except I think God has other plans. "Lesson plans" if you will.
The other day Peyton and I were in Target and we were buying a birthday present for one of her friends. I had told her before we went to the toy department that we were buying a gift for "so and so" and that she wouldn't get a prize today, unless she went to the big potty. (Background info: On this particular day I had it in my head that I was going to start potty training. She had used the little potty at home a few times, but she is deathly afraid of "big pottys.") Anyway, we went to the restroom and she did all but have a nervous breakdown when I tried to get her near the toilet. As she was in full-blown tantrum mode, I told her that she had a choice: she could just try to "tee tee in the potty" or we would put back the toy. It was a no-brainer, she said she wanted to put back the toy. By the time we had made our trek back to the toy department and the reality that she was going to have to put her toy back was beginning to sink in, she fell apart. Not the kicking, screaming, crying ones that you usually get from two-year-olds, but the silent tears and sobs that comes from someone that is truly heartbroken. It was pitiful. Seriously guys, pitiful. For all of three seconds I considered just buying her the toy anyway (along with a pony, and whatever else her little broken heart desired...) but my resolve kicked in and I held tight. As I put the toy back on the shelf I told her, "when you go to the big potty, we'll come back and get this."
What does this have to do with me wanting another baby? Good question. Why did I put the toy back instead of just buying it for her? Cause I can see the big picture. I know what's best for her, and I know that I can teach her a lesson. I know that when she actually does go to the big potty that the toy will mean so much to her.
Why hasn't God blessed us with another baby? Cause He can see the big picture. He knows what's best. There is something that He wants me to learn first. Maybe it's patience. Maybe it's letting go of bitterness. Maybe it's trust. To be honest, I need to work in ALL those areas. God loves me WAY more than I can ever love Peyton. And as much as it hurt me to see Peyton truly heartbroken, I can't imagine how God feels when he sees one of His children truly heartbroken. But I know He's my Father and He's only doing what is best for me. It's been a long time since I've been treated like a child. Even though I will always be a child of God. It's been a long time since my parents have told me I couldn't have something. Needless to say it's not an easy thing to get used to as an adult.
I'm not there yet. There is so much He is trying to teach me. So much I need to just be still and learn. And I'm trying. God knows I'm trying...
